やっと読みました!サンディエゴの本屋さんでは見つからなかった斎藤芳乃さんの本を、先日購入。やっぱり読んでよかったです。
This is the "self-help" book that I'd been reading. A lesson on how to have self-confidence...
「不適切な人から自分を守る」・・・これを読んで、自分の中でモヤモヤしていた雲が少しずつ消えて行った様な気がします。相手がどんなに「大切」、「必要」だと思っても、私の事を尊重してくれない人とは、一緒にはいられません。勿論、妥協するべき時もあります。でも、相手の考え方に支配されたくはありません。
以前、「君が嫉妬するのは僕の所為じゃなくて、君に自信が無いからだろ」と言われた事があります。確かにそうかもしれない。もっと私が、「自分は素敵な人間だから、彼が他の人に目を向ける筈は無い」と思える位自信があればよかったのかもしれません。でも今考えて見ると、少し違う様な気がします。私が「しないで」と言う事を、私の自信の無さと言い切ってし続ける人は、私には「不適切」だったんだと思います。
あ〜、この本読んでよかった。なんか色々スッキリした〜・・・
A good ol' Weblog for musings about language, literature, music, art, food, etc.
2014-08-20
2014-08-18
Grad School Awesomeness #3: Affording Life as a Ph.D. Student
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| Look at me, trying to make smart purchases... |
After finishing my undergrad and M.A. (at a pricey but reputable school), I worked for three years at a decent job and paid off my undergrad loans before starting my Ph.D. I also worked nights and weekends during that time at what will always be my favorite job, a gift shop in The Mission that paid minimum wage but came with wine on the weekends.
During the Ph.D. program I worked my 50% TAship and occasional extra gigs—readerships, writing tutoring, etc. I had some money saved up from previous years so that I didn't have to take out a loan. My "rent" was a mortgage that my parents and I were paying off together, even though my share was less than half the going rate for the condo in which I lived.
In short, I got lucky. I was lucky enough to have TAships and other financial support while at UCSD. I had a background that empowered me to get into a college that enabled me to get a job (even if it took a few months after graduation). Of course, I worked (in multiple senses of the term) both before and during grad school. But in general, I got lucky.
But how does one afford life as a Ph.D. student, especially in the humanities, a degree that takes five to seven (?) years to earn, when one is paid $2,000 a month (if that much) for nine months out of 12 (and when even that isn't guaranteed)? How does one pay for rent, groceries, utilities, Internet, going out to eat, and picking up occasional treats? How does one support a family and cover medical expenses? How does one budget for conferences that require registration, airfare, and lodging? (And what is one expected to do during the "drought months" of August, September, and October?)
I think about this in terms of the overall scheme of "financial education" for growing up in the States (or anywhere else). Maybe some people are taught at a young age how to manage their money. Maybe some people get one of those kiddie accounts when they're young, and by the time they hit 18 they already have a few grand to their name. Maybe some people are trust fund babies.
But for a 1.5-generation immigrant kid whose family members got Green Cards just as her older sister was starting college, there was no "financial education". My family was ostensibly "middle class", even if we didn't know what that meant, with enough money to be comfortable but not enough to do anything with it.
The things I'm learning "to do with it" is a topic for a different post, but in talking with my friends in grad school and people who've yet to start their programs, I've decided what I would tell my own kids about affording life as a Ph.D. student:
"Work a real job first, then start a Ph.D. program."
I don't say this to be discouraging, or to suggest that this is the right and only way. (Oh, my poor children.) I've a good feeling that my kids would work through college and pay off their own debt. But I'd tell them also to go work a "real job" before pursuing grad school. (And, no, an M.A. program is not the kind of "real job" I'm talking about here.) It doesn't have to be one that gives them benefits (though that'd be nice) or gives them business cards (since that's an unforgivable waste of natural resources). I'd tell them to work at least one year, possibly two, maybe even three. I'd tell them to save up enough money to be able to live for three to six months with no other income (a.k.a. an "emergency fund"). I'd tell them to learn what it means to work with other people, where not pulling their weight means others have to pick up their slack. So that they'd understand that, in some industries, there are consequences to missing a deadline, not replying to emails, not keeping appointments. (They'd be fired.) I'd tell them to experience an alternative to grad school, so that they'd know what they were working toward in the first place. Then once they had that work experience and money saved up, I'd say to them, "OK kid, now you're ready to go be a starving grad student."
They might say, "But mum, it's really difficult to save up three to six months worth of living expenses." And they'd be right—but I'd tell them that it's not going to get any easier with a Ph.D., either. That looking for, finding, and keeping a job is difficult, whether you go to grad school or not.
But most of all, I'd tell them to work a real job before starting a Ph.D. program because I want them to arm themselves. I want them to have the work experience, the financial resources, and the sense to be able to get through a Ph.D. program and the accompanying experience of being on the job market. I want them to arm themselves because there's a chance that no one else will be there to help them or to stand up for them. If they encounter a great mentor, I couldn't be happier; but even if advisors want them to get hired, even if departments want them to get fellowships, that doesn't always happen. And it's up to my kids to arm and defend themselves. (I also want them to see the professors around them doing all the things that would get them fired in any other job, and be able to say to themselves, "I'm not going to be that kind of a professor." Because they'd owe it to their colleagues and, more importantly, to their students.)
I don't believe that education, especially undergraduate education, is something that we should have to take out loans in order to get. A grad program may be a bit more iffy, but it sure isn't the kind of thing that should weigh people down with a 5-figure debt (or higher) upon completion. Without a doubt, there's a whole lot that the university (as well as the government) should be responsible for in making grad school affordable. But I also think that, if we're serious about doing a Ph.D., we have to be serious about being able to afford it as well—and we have to be professional and prepared enough so that we don't suffer our way through it.
2014-08-16
Grad School Awesomeness #2: Some Things to Do Before Applying
This is a second in my "Grad School Awesomeness" (GSA) series, and it too is a modified excerpt from the same email conversation as the first post on whether to Ph.D. or not. Today's post talks about things one can do to prepare to apply for Ph.D. programs in (comparative) literature. (I sound like a total jerk in these emails, but such is life...)
--
I'm gonna take the liberty to suggest a few things to put on your to-do list this summer (if you aren't teaching and have time).
I should explain a bit:
4. Write a "seminar paper"—As you read these books, if you decide that you need a writing sample as part of your application package, check out the guidelines for the applications and figure out the number of pages you might need for such a writing sample...then write a "seminar paper"! (You can google "how to write a seminar paper" to get some suggestions.) As a grad student, you'll be writing a number of things—seminar papers, project proposals, fellowship applications, dissertation chapters, journal articles. But at least during your coursework years, for each seminar you take, you'll most likely be expected to write a seminar paper. In my department, since we're on the quarter system, they tend to be pretty short—10–15 pages. (My friends in other departments write 20+ page seminar papers, though, so I'm not sure what's up with that.) But pick the number of pages you want to aim for (with standard formatting: 1" margins, 12 pt. font, double-spaced) and write! You can always cut the paper to make it work for schools that require fewer pages. But take all the good books, theoretical texts, and academic books you read over the summer, and try to come up with your original thesis/argument. It doesn't have to be a ground-breaking thesis, just something to show your application reviewers that you know how to read texts, synthesize information, and output an intelligent paper. Whether or not you enjoy this process of writing the "seminar paper" is crucial—because that's essentially what you'll be doing your whole time in grad school (in addition to teaching) . . . :)
--
I think
past experiences and interests, however related they are (or not) to the Ph.D. field, are
integral to who you are, as well as to your thought process on applying
to Ph.D. programs. To be honest, I encourage the Ph.D. path with anyone
who is interested, even given the caveat that I mentioned in my previous
email...but that's because I believe that anyone who is interested in
higher education should have access to it and the opportunity to succeed
in that environment, regardless of what happens after graduation.
You know, having a foreign language or not isn't a big deal—of
course, I imagine most Ph.D. programs want you to have English plus at
least one foreign language, but it's also good to know one foreign
language well rather than two only so-so. You can also apply to English lit
Ph.D. programs and not really have to worry about foreign language skills as
much; it's with Comp Lit programs that foreign language skills become
crucial for the admission process...
I'm gonna take the liberty to suggest a few things to put on your to-do list this summer (if you aren't teaching and have time).
- Read some good books, both for "academic" reasons and for fun
- Read some "theoretical" texts
- Read some books from academic presses (Duke University Press, University of California Press, University of Minnesota Press, etc.)
- Write a "seminar paper" as a writing sample
I should explain a bit:
1.
Read some good books—I imagine you already like to read, so this
shouldn't be too painful. But think of all the books, classics and pop
fiction, that you've been wanting to read—and read them! Considering
those you've read in the past and have liked, start a list of the texts
and writers that appeal to you. These can be texts that become your
objects of analysis later on.
2. Read some "theoretical" texts—Grad programs will
vary on how much they emphasize "theory"; my department REALLY
emphasized theory (as do many other programs in the UC system), and
programs develop reputations on their theoretical/intellectual approach
in this way. (This becomes crucial in your professional development,
because it determines your (perceived) intellectual "fit" at different
departments when you're applying to jobs.) At UCSD, all first-year Ph.D. students take a three-quarter
theory sequence: first quarter is about Marx and other "big name"
theorists; second quarter is about gender and sexuality; third quarter
is about postcolonial theory. (That's a gross oversimplification of the sequence, but so be it.) You can probably find reading lists for "theory" courses that give you an idea of what you might want to read. Something like this list from UPenn is a place to start, though it's somewhat skewed...
3. Read some books from academic
presses—In any Ph.D. program, you'll be "reading" both primary texts
(novels, short stories, film, etc.) and secondary texts. How well you
know your secondary texts (the stuff from "academic" presses and others
(Routledge, Verso, etc.)) will define how rigorous you are as a scholar.
Given your research interests, you can visit the Websites of some of the presses (those
three are pretty top-notch) and see if you can find books that interest
you. Check them out from the library and flip through them. Take notes
as you read, note the primary and secondary texts they analyze and cite,
and see if you notice any texts that get mentioned repeatedly (and try
to read those if you have time). Your initial questions and musings provide a great place to start reading. (Also, as you start narrowing down your
choices for programs to apply to, try to read the books by professors
that you'd be interested in working with.)
4. Write a "seminar paper"—As you read these books, if you decide that you need a writing sample as part of your application package, check out the guidelines for the applications and figure out the number of pages you might need for such a writing sample...then write a "seminar paper"! (You can google "how to write a seminar paper" to get some suggestions.) As a grad student, you'll be writing a number of things—seminar papers, project proposals, fellowship applications, dissertation chapters, journal articles. But at least during your coursework years, for each seminar you take, you'll most likely be expected to write a seminar paper. In my department, since we're on the quarter system, they tend to be pretty short—10–15 pages. (My friends in other departments write 20+ page seminar papers, though, so I'm not sure what's up with that.) But pick the number of pages you want to aim for (with standard formatting: 1" margins, 12 pt. font, double-spaced) and write! You can always cut the paper to make it work for schools that require fewer pages. But take all the good books, theoretical texts, and academic books you read over the summer, and try to come up with your original thesis/argument. It doesn't have to be a ground-breaking thesis, just something to show your application reviewers that you know how to read texts, synthesize information, and output an intelligent paper. Whether or not you enjoy this process of writing the "seminar paper" is crucial—because that's essentially what you'll be doing your whole time in grad school (in addition to teaching) . . . :)
2014-08-15
No Sex Please, At Least Not in the Way You Think
It’s been over two months since I filed my dissertation, and it’s about time I started getting some work done. It’s not like I don’t have things to do; I’ve plenty (preparing for my class, writing my conference paper, working on a journal article, etc.)—it’s just that I’m in that zone of…I don’t know. Laziness.
To add fuel to the fire of my laziness (is that...even possible?), my recent reading materials have come from the local city library rather than the university library. And you know just how much I love books I can rustle up at the city library...
My first batch of books included those on the practice of jijitsukon (事実婚), the assertion that Japan ought to "single-ize", and the background to the increasing number of men not marrying. (I justify the selection of these books by saying they're related to Japan, gender, and marriage (=research-related).)
Coupled with the YouTube video my friend forwarded me about "no sex in Japan", these texts made me think more seriously about the complicated nature of marriage, family, sex, and all sorts of other things that become tangled up in those practices. The rumor that Japanese people don't have sex is a total lie—of course they have sex, for crying out loud, just maybe not in the heteronormative, monogamous way that people normalize. The aging and dwindling population is tied up with changes in the marriage institution and costs/benefits of childbearing, of course, but they also have much to do with racist immigration policies and labor practices that economically disadvantage workers regardless of gender. And the social and psychological factors that make it difficult for people to establish longterm relationships while simultaneously making them feel like they have have do so—embedded in changing shapes of the family institution, these factors only complicate matters.
As my four-year-old niece would say, what a mess. While several solutions have been proposed and implemented already—make it more viable for women to stay in the workforce, make marriage less patriarchal and conservative (both politically and culturally), enable "foreigners" to make a decent living in Japan—I get this vague feeling that things aren't really...working. Gee whiz, maybe if I get my act together I can make this a future research project, to justify all the energy I'm spending thinking about it.
2014-07-31
「コスパ」とは
コスパ:noun. abbreviation of "cost performance"; essentially, how much bang you're getting for your buck.
昨日は、とても消費が高い日でした。何故なら、久しぶりに、「楽しみ」の買い物をしたから。
読みたかった本。探してた服。大切な人への贈り物。ちょっとした「贅沢」でした。
こんな「消費」は、大好きです。
(ついでに、ローションと乳液のサンプルも貰いました。へっへっへ。)
ちょっと値段が高くても、自分が選んだ、自分の幸せへの投資なら、イイじゃないですか。
I love the warm feeling of spending money for all the right reasons—mostly for others, and then sometimes, those little indulgences for the self. :)
(これはポーラ化粧品の宣伝ではありません。)
昨日は、とても消費が高い日でした。何故なら、久しぶりに、「楽しみ」の買い物をしたから。
読みたかった本。探してた服。大切な人への贈り物。ちょっとした「贅沢」でした。
こんな「消費」は、大好きです。
(ついでに、ローションと乳液のサンプルも貰いました。へっへっへ。)
ちょっと値段が高くても、自分が選んだ、自分の幸せへの投資なら、イイじゃないですか。
I love the warm feeling of spending money for all the right reasons—mostly for others, and then sometimes, those little indulgences for the self. :)
(これはポーラ化粧品の宣伝ではありません。)
2014-07-29
Being Thin in Japan (or Not)
Fried-chicken-on-a-skewer keeps me coming back to 7-Eleven...
I might complain about many things in Japan, but I do love its ubiquity of convenience stores. I can buy silly shit like this and also print stuff while I'm at it.
But one of the many things that make me uncomfortable about Japan is the REAL LIFE body sizes surrounding me. Clearly "body image" is not a problem unique to Japan; unrealistic standards of beauty for women and men, "fat talk", etc. in the United States are a problem, too.
But, but. The other day when I went to my health exam for my new job, it was indicated that, by the faulty standards of BMI, I was categorized as "Underweight".
But, but. I see young men walking around town, with hips and legs that are smaller and skinnier than mine. And correspondingly tiny women whose skinny legs teetering on high heels make me wonder how women in Japan bear children (which is not something I need to think about).
But, but......
I might complain about many things in Japan, but I do love its ubiquity of convenience stores. I can buy silly shit like this and also print stuff while I'm at it.
But one of the many things that make me uncomfortable about Japan is the REAL LIFE body sizes surrounding me. Clearly "body image" is not a problem unique to Japan; unrealistic standards of beauty for women and men, "fat talk", etc. in the United States are a problem, too.
But, but. The other day when I went to my health exam for my new job, it was indicated that, by the faulty standards of BMI, I was categorized as "Underweight".
But, but. I see young men walking around town, with hips and legs that are smaller and skinnier than mine. And correspondingly tiny women whose skinny legs teetering on high heels make me wonder how women in Japan bear children (which is not something I need to think about).
But, but......
2014-07-25
how much
素直でいれば、信じられない位深い、深い感情が見つかる。
私の好きな歌に、こんな歌詞がある。
「ねぇ こんなに笑えた事
生まれて 初めてだよ。
きっと 私はね
この日の為に 間違いだらけの 道を
歩いてきたんだ ずっと。」
太平洋は大きいけど、前に進めば、いつかたどり着く。
夜の空は暗いけど、月はたった一つしかない。
次に会える日を、待っています。
その日まで、元気でいて下さい。
Just imagine—how deeply you can love the right one.
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