New Year's Eve / あけおめ〜

I nearly let a whole month pass by without writing at all (save a few pages for the dissertation...but what does that count?). And it's already New Year's Eve!

The end of one year is a time for cleaning and sorting, organizing and preparing, anticipating what is coming up in the beginning of the next year. The way I approach the end/beginning of years has evolved in the past decade, but I usually find myself making up a clean to-do list and a list of resolutions.

As always, my New Year's Resolutions include "stop swearing" and "maintain better posture", but beyond that I do believe I am taking the Year 2014 fairly easy and just kind of...enjoying life as it comes. Somehow that is usually easier said than done, but I am going to try really, really hard this time. And maybe stop swearing for the first week or two.

皆様、明けましておめでとうございます。こちらのブログはいつもの様にテレテレと更新させて頂きますが、今年もよろしくお願い致します。

Remembering Sarah

I never spent that much time with Sarah. She entered the program two years after me, and we only took one seminar together. In the seminar I thought she was kind of nuts—not in a bad way, just different from me. Hence nuts.

The seminar was a Spanish lit seminar, and she spoke up in class often. That wasn't me—I talked the bare minimum in seminar. It's bad enough trying to find something intelligent to say about narrativity, try saying it in Spanish. So I never said anything. When Sarah spoke she spoke like a train with no brakes—words just kept falling out of her mouth. Sometimes she mixed English with Spanish. She gesticulated. A lot. And sometimes, I was pretty sure her grammar was off. But the funny thing was, I always understood what she was saying. Maybe it was because she, like me, first formed her thoughts in English, and then translated them into Spanish as she spoke. And maybe for that reason, I liked listening to her talk.

Sometimes Sarah would say things that made me think, "Either I'm an idiot, or this girl really is nuts." Like the time she said she was going to qualify during her second year. Yeah, good luck with that one. Or when she said that she'd already taken a lit theory sequence before and that she didn't need to take another one here. I don't think I could ever feel comfortable talking about theory, especially not with having taken just one year's worth of classes on it. So again I thought, "OK, either I'm..." But then maybe there was a third option: that she was smart and confident. And again, that wasn't me.

We ended up going to the same conference during spring break of that year. The funny thing is, I don't even remember much about the conference. What I do remember is that she came to hear my presentation—and participated more actively during the Q&A than any of the actual seminar participants. She listened. She asked questions. She pushed. But honestly, what surprised me was that she came. I've been to conferences where I knew, or were friends with, some of the people presenting papers—but I didn't always go hear them. Maybe there was another presentation I wanted to hear during the same time slot. Maybe it wasn't in my field. Maybe I was too tired. Or too busy sightseeing. Or too lazy. But Sarah came. She didn't know me that well, who knows if the seminar theme was of interest to her, but I'm pretty sure my paper topic had little to do with her research. But she came. And I do remember that.

Afterwards we went to grab a bite to eat together, I'm pretty sure. Except I don't recall exactly what we ate. Or even what we talked about during the meal. And even though I may be mixing things up with another memory, I have this feeling that we went to eat pho together. And if I stick to the story, I'm going to tell that Sarah pronounced it as "foe", and every time she said it, I wasn't sure whether to point it out to her or not. I think I decided not to. I think I thought it fit her character. And I'm pretty sure I thought it was pretty funny.

The last time I spoke with you was in late October. We ran into each other in the stairwell, when I was leaving the building and you were going up to your office. I'd been away from campus for a year, and I couldn't even remember what year you were in. But I did remember that you were going to qualify early and defend early and be all-around brilliant early. So I asked, "You're...qualified?" And you responded, "Oh yeah. I'm dissertating". Dissertating. I'd heard people use that word, and I may even have used it a few times myself. But it wasn't really a word I felt I could use to describe what I was doing. I was just writing bits and pieces of things, cobbling things together, wondering whether they fit and made sense. I wasn't sure if what I was putting down on paper counted as an argument. So I couldn't bring myself to say that I was "dissertating". 

But you could. And you did. In that same way you spoke up in the Spanish lit seminar, the same way you said you would qualify early and you certainly did not need to be taking theory any more, you gave life to that neologism and owned it. You did. And dammit Sarah, it's people like you who should be getting their ideas out there, teaching great classes, inspiring their colleagues and students. There are people who sit around whining about not getting a job, not getting a fellowship, not getting a paper accepted. And some of those people might be me. But what little I know of you, it has been of a person who knows what she's aiming for, and who actually works her butt off to get it, and announces so, with neither apologies nor hesitation. And maybe, just maybe, that can be me some day.

Mindset, or, Continuing Education on the Cheap

While at my parents' house for New Year's in January I borrowed from them a book by psychologist Carol Dweck titled Mindset (which, it turns out, has an accompanying Web site). I finally finished it a couple of days ago (shut up), and from the book I learned two things: 1) we can benefit by adopting a "growth mindset", and 2) we can profit by writing a popular book (more than by writing an academic book).

Although that second lesson wasn't new (I've never seen any earnings from my dad's mathematical theory books), I did find Dweck's ideas about the two mindsets insightful. (I'm late to the party because the book was published in 2006, but) the book argues that there are two mindsets: fixed and growth. Fixed mindset thinking assumes our abilities are fixed, and that the way things are are the way things will be; and growth mindset thinking assumes that abilities can grow with effort, and that things can change.

Those ideas sound like "duh" ideas, but it helps to have them articulated—so please borrow the book from your local library if you want to learn more.

So in an effort to engage in more growth mindset thinking, I'm taking seriously the idea of continuing education. No, not "Continuing Education" like the stuff they try to sell you in online ads; I'm talking about the simple act of "continuing (your) education". And while I lied about getting a second Ph.D. in my previous post (surprise), I do like to learn—but I'm also hella cheap. So I decided to figure out how to continue my education for free (or, at least, for very little money)—without compromising on quality. Here's what I've got:

1. iTunes U: Hands down, my go-to place for free edumacation. I can download audio and video files on all sorts of topics, and I can go through them while I'm making the bed or cooking dinner. And since I access the courses through the iTunes interface, the system doesn't present a learning curve. Score.


2. Podcasts: This is how I'm learning Dutch. Unfortunately I haven't actually learned any Dutch yet (not even how to order a drink), but that's OK—most bartenders in Holland speak English anyway.


3. YouTube: What's not to love (except for the ads you can't skip)? I go here to learn how to cook things by watching some lady wearing a sweater with a plunging neckline. But with its subscription system and suggested videos and channels, YouTube is great for learning via entertaining videos. Seriously—subscribe to YouTube channels, people. (And I don't say this because a relative works there...)


4. TED: Ah, the home of inspiring talks. I mean, who can resist a site that tags videos based on just how jaw-dropping/courageous/ingenious they are? Plus the site design is gorgeous.


5. edX: Yes, it's a MOOC-provider. But at least it's not-for-profit, and I can't criticize MOOCs unless I've taken one (though taking the demo course and learning how essays are "graded" made me want to throw up). But I'm signed up for a jazz appreciation class in winter, and I must say: I'm pretty jazzed.


6. Webinars: Companies often offer free Webinars, which are awesome when I just want to hear people talk about topics that they know a lot about who also give out free PowerPoints. I've attended a Webinar on financial education through UC Retirements and another on long-distance relationships through SARC. I'm also eyeing future Webinars through Charles Schwab...I'm such a greedy learner.


7. COLLEGE: I admit, I've never seen Animal House (and my undergrad advisor told me I hadn't lived), but institutions of higher education are good places to, well, continue education. And since there are a myriad options for how to take classes—for a degree or for a certificate, full-time or part-time—places like university extensions and community colleges make it easy to take courses one at a time. (The price, however, is becoming increasingly prohibitive—which is a whole 'nother conversation.)

And of course, anything you can read for free—newspapers, magazines, in print, online, whatever you can get your hands on—should be food for thought. In which case, the only thing I have to be careful about is overeating.

What am I missing? There must be some magical site that aggregates all sorts of inexpensive educational Web sites and tools. Any tips? Also, what to do with all this awesome continuing education we can get for free/at a low(ish) cost? No one's going to get me to write a term paper for some class I'm not getting credit for, but having periodic output required makes the input so much more worthwhile...

How to Have Been a Better Job Candidate

Oh, the ridiculous places in which we have academic conferences...

It just so happens that I am on the job market this year, which has made me look back on my academic career with an eye to figuring out how to construct myself as an even remotely qualified candidate. But in that process I've learned a few lessons, despite the fact that some of them I know I've heard before—I just didn't learn them in time.

To avoid the same mistakes in my next Ph.D. program, here are some lessons that I should have learned before my sixth year here:

1. Keep all teaching evaluations, organized and in one place. Seriously. Maybe even put post-its on your favorite ones. Just because you have to teach in multiple programs to get through grad school financially, and just because some programs have absolutely ridiculous evaluations systems, it's still your responsibility to submit a nice "teaching evaluation" package to schools when they ask for one.


2. Take notes on thoughts about teaching, both its theory and its practice. If you see an instructor doing something you like, whether for undergraduate lectures or graduate seminars, write it down—and figure out what you find effective about it. See if it reminds you of things you saw at other schools. And if there are teaching strategies that you think can be improved, jot those down too.


3. Write teaching and research philosophy statements early—like, a full quarter before actually going on the market. Actually, this process got me to realize that I was interested more in teaching than in research. Plus the process can be a great motivation for gearing up to teach and research in future quarters.


4. Stop reading; start writing. And I mean last week. It's like someone once said: one more book isn't going to tell you anything new, or give you that one answer you've been seeking. And like someone else said, reading is just an excuse for not writing—and we all know that's true. (Besides, no one takes you seriously unless you have two solid chapters done anyway.)


5. Submit job applications early. Don't procrastinate on writing up the cover letter, just to find out that the online application has disappeared because the position has been filled already—because it will be the position that you thought you were the absolutely perfect candidate for. (Even though it wasn't.)


6. Be happy with the present and past. If you are proud of who you are and how far you've come as a scholar, it'll come through in both the job applications and the dissertation. (Right??) So you didn't get that fellowship or get that article accepted—clearly you weren't just sitting there twiddling your thumbs; you made productive use of your time otherwise, and that deserves some spotlight. Think about what you have (to offer), not what you don't. 

One would think that a grad student would ask her advisers about these questions before they come up—but clearly this one did not. But you know, a lesson learned late is better than a lesson never learned, I say...

Bachelorette / この子が結婚するなんて

So I was chatting with my friend about a potential bachelorette party, when I thought to myself: Huh. Those parties never made sense to me, since I can't understand why anyone would want a last huzzah before being tied down to the embodiment of a ball and chain—I mean, if you think you're getting "tied down", why get married in the first place? Confused.

Nevertheless, I recently watched Leslye Headland's movie version of her own play, Bachelorette (2012), and absolutely loved it. I almost have to say that in hushed tones, because it feels like a guilty pleasure—but the film was funny, well-paced, and did a nice job of creating both intimacy and distance among the friends in each frame of the film. (I mean, look at those girls, getting all chummy on that bench there. Doesn't that scream "bridesmaids-4-eva!" to you?)

As for my fictitious bachelorette party, I'll take some good food, some good drinks, and some of my closest friends—including my ball-and-chain-to-be. Now isn't that my idea of a good time.

Documentaries Galore / 嘘つかない

Apparently I am holding my own private documentary film festival, seeing as how the last three movies I've watched (in about as many days) are all documentaries. The reason, though, isn't because I like documentaries (even though I do); it's because I mainly watch movies that run 90 minutes or less, and with that criterion, most feature films on my Netflix Instant Queue can't cut it. (Bachelorette (2012), of course, is an exception—it's next on my list.)

I remember back when I was working (and so had "free time" after I left the office) I had 30 days each of free Netflix and Blockbuster trials thanks to my sister. That basically meant a movie every other night for those months, making a small dent in my "Movies to Watch" list. I could stay up late into the night with a movie on in my apartment, and even if I fell asleep watching it, I could wake up at 3 AM and finish the last 20 minutes.

Of course that was over six years ago, when I was still young. Now I fall asleep a lot earlier, and once I fall asleep I don't wake up until morning. Old age... But the point is, I want to be selective about what I watch, and I am developing my own taste for the kinds of documentaries I enjoy. It's by watching things I don't like, that I can get excited about the things I do.

Take, for example, Roger Sherman's The Restaurateur (2010), a documentary that follows Danny Meyer and his team as they work to open two new restaurants in New York City. But...that was all it did. It followed the people over the years, captured the challenges they had to overcome, and documented the progress of these restaurants from conception to realization. But once it was over, all I could say was, "Well then."

I'd been wanting to see Bess Kargman's First Position (2011) for a while now, and it didn't disappoint. The young ballet dancers that the film follows as they prepare for the Youth America Grand Prix are phenomenal—they are mature, disciplined, passionate, and critical of themselves to the nth degree. I cried when they won; I cried when they lost. (I also cried when one of the mothers cried...because I felt so sad that she felt so sad that her son quit ballet. Oh, parents.) But after the film ended, I didn't have anything to take away with me. I watched beautiful dancing for 90 minutes; but afterwards, what was I to learn from it?

But then I saw Neil Diamond's Reel Injun (2009), a documentary tracing the representation of Native Americans in American film, and it hit me—ah, this is the kind of dissertation I want to write. (No, I don't mean that I want to make a film tracing the representation of women in Japanese imperialist literature...) In tracing that film history, Diamond manages to tie together so many different complex issues: racial hierarchy in North America over the century; internalization and resistance of stereotypes among minority communities; poverty and issues of abuse and alcoholism in Native American (or is it "American Indian"?) societies today; homogenization and appropriation of the richly diverse cultures among the various tribes by American capitalist culture; and so much more. Yes, tell me about all the important films, actors, and directors of Native American cinema—but I want to learn more about why this stuff matters, why we have to keep talking about it today. That's what Reel Injun did for me. (It even included a kickass analysis of Disney's Pocahontas (1995) by Ethnic Studies scholar Melinda Micco, which just about made my day.)

I admit that watching a movie while doing the dishes isn't as easy as listening to music—but with all the sorting through junk mail, hanging up the laundry, and stretching my muscles that I have to do every day, a documentary a day (or every other day) doesn't seem all that impossible.

The Cats of Mirikitani / ミリキタニの猫

A couple of nights ago I watched The Cats of Mirikitani (2006), a documentary by Linda Hattendorf about Japanese/American painter "Jimmy" Tsutomu Mirikitani. My old boss at the store in San Francisco had told me about it when it first came out, but I never had the chance to watch it until now. And at the risk of sounding trite, I must say: Boy do I wish I had seen this film earlier.

Watching the film is a process of getting to know "Jimmy"—an artist who lives on the street in New York and has fierce pride for his art and himself as an artist. And getting to know "Jimmy" becomes an exercise in getting to know one man's experience as a Japanese/American during World War II. Yet as we follow the story, the obvious but unexpected happens: 9/11. And then it's a whole 'nother story from there.

The film doesn't necessary present Jimmy as a victim, nor does it try to sugarcoat his person. (He can be a sweet, but sometimes difficult, person—and the camera doesn't hesitate to show both sides.) But we see Jimmy's fierceness in pointing out what he sees as an injustice: the internment of the Japanese and Japanese-Americans during World War II, and the subsequent treatment of "enemy aliens" by the United States—which continues through, and is resurrected after, 9/11.

In documenting one man's life—born in Sacramento, raised in Hiroshima, taken to Tule Lake, lost among the records of American social security—the film presents a gentle critique of U.S. racial, social, and foreign policies. At what point does it become justified to racially profile a whole group of "dangerous" people? How can a city, as thriving as New York, in a country as powerful as the United States, be unable to help its homeless? And how do we justify waging a "War on/of Terror", without addressing the criticisms lodged against U.S. policies toward other nations?

More than any other film about internment I've seen, this film deftly weaves a story that is at once complicated and deeply human: losing a home (more than once) and then finding family again, where one least expects it. Yes, the comparisons among 9/11, Pearl Harbor, and Hiroshima are there; but the striking images of Jimmy's paintings endure far more in my mind than any shot of smoke and destruction can.

こまねこ / Friendships

Getting on my 10 PM–5 AM sleep schedule isn't easy. As in, I can't do it. But I've only just started trying, and it's too soon to give up....

それより兎角、今日は『こまねこ』を見たぞ。ダーリンから DVD を借りたんだが、これがまた可愛い。表情といい、仕草といい。う〜む、こんなのが周りにいたら、たまらないだろうな。

Actually, Koma Neko may be a bit too mature and sad in its subtleties for me to show it to the Little One. So many things are left unanswered, which conflicts with the lightheartedness of the images. What's not said, what's not shown is what makes the stories both meaningful and troubling at the same time.

Regardless, today was a day of writing some syllabi, doing some laundry, ironing some handkerchiefs, and eating some pasta. Tomorrow will be...well, tomorrow will just have to be another day.

つーか、「こまねこ」って女の子だったのかよ。全然分からんかった・・・

A Matter of Taste / 味覚

I was so hungry today that I bit into my own fork. It was a good thing I didn't swallow the broken pieces.

Watching Sally Rowe's A Matter of Taste (2011), a documentary about chef Paul Liebrandt, left a funny taste in my mouth, too. The food in the film was beautiful—a medley of spectacular colors and shapes. But there wasn't a story that made me want to follow it, nor a character I could care about. It may have been a pretty dish, but I'm afraid it didn't give me much to chew on.

The Great Happiness Space / 大阪恋泥棒

Despite the fact that I'd only managed to revise my abstract today, I went ahead and rewarded myself with a screening of Jake Clennell's The Great Happiness Space (2006). I can say this: At least now my abstract is pretty darn good, even if it is abstracting a nonexistent dissertation.

I'll be honest: I liked this movie, even though I felt guilty about liking it. I'm glad that I watched it, even though I wished I hadn't. It's not the kind of subject I like seeing picked up and fussed over, glorified, exoticized, or sanitized for consumption by the overseas market. And yet...and yet.

There was something in the development of the story that, I felt, did justice to the conflict presented by the people being interviewed—their emotions and needs as human beings, versus their desires and obligations as people working at host clubs and in sex work. Even though it shouldn't have, I felt more comfortable hearing about the guys working as hosts than I did hearing about the girls working as hostesses or at soap lands. There shouldn't be a difference between the two. And yet...and yet.

These topics are messy, I admit. Money, love, consumption, happiness. Sex, body, solace, comfort. And I guess I appreciated that the film left everything in that complicated heap, didn't try to draw a nice, neat conclusion. It made certain decisions about how to present the interviewers as they talked about their lives and work, different moods and lighting, spliced with giddy girls or with drab salarymen. I suspect there was a bit of moralizing on the part of the creators, but it just so happened that I leaned somewhat close to their way of thinking. If only I were allowed to leave my dissertation as messy and inconclusive...

The Reader / 愛を読む人

In the last two days I read Bernhard Schlink's The Reader. It was a quick read—just 218 ages, with wide margins, large font, and big line spacing. Ironic, given how long it was sitting on my shelf.

Truth be told, I read it to rid myself of a memory. And as I was reading it, I realized that that was what the book is about, too—not just about coming to terms with the past, but about how to deal with the desire to forget and let go, and the simultaneous inability (and maybe deep down, the defiance not) to do so.

The past is past, I know. It's behind us, it's gone, it's not coming back. But it's always...happened. The fact that the past "was" (and will always continue to "was") is undeniable. We can't change it, we can't wish it away. We may not think the way we did then, we may not love the people we did then. But the fact that we did remains. Maybe the question, then, is how to live our present and future...

子供の頃の夢は / Childhood

The other day I took a walk to my old elementary school (the last one out of four that I attended). The evening sky was lovely, the breeze cool and refreshing...

あまり「後悔」はしないけど、「今度はこうしてみようかな」と思う事はある。例えば、もしもう一度子供になれるのなら、もっと沢山本を読みたい。もっともっと沢山友達を作って、もっともっと遊びたい。公園に行ったり、自転車に乗ったり、なわとびしたり、お菓子作ったり。木に登ったり、雪合戦したり、虫捕まえたり、野原で駆けっこしたり。遊べ、子供よ！

人生計画 / Goals and Plans

おひさしぶりです！前回の記事から早くも一ヶ月が過ぎてしまいました。時間が経つのは、実に恐ろしい・・・それにしても、「日本での発見」のタイトルで当分の間記事が書けないのは、とても悲しいです。

しかし！いつまでも悲しんではいられません。と言う訳で、今日のテーマは「人生計画」です。ここ何週間かの間考えていた事を、今日は（自分の為にも）少しまとめてみます。

In the last few weeks I managed to fit most of my belongings into two suitcases and two utility bags...and now that I'm back in the States, I'm ready to start making some plans.

One of the reasons why I like setting goals is that it helps me to organize the thoughts in my head and find the throughline that guides the story of my life. Once I've found it (and it changes frequently) I can make plans to help me achieve the goals that surround it.

And as silly as it may seem, I turn to the idea of SMART goals when I'm setting goals and making plans:

• Specific
• Measurable
• Attainable
• Relevant
• Time-bound

I don't remember when I first heard that acronym, and I also realize that there are alternatives—but this is the set of words I use as my criteria. They force me to articulate what I want; keep me motivated; eliminate unnecessary stress; help me stay focused; and push me to actually get things done. I can break large projects into smaller steps, and I become better at assessing what my abilities are, what I can get done in what time frame. Knowing my limitations is as important as knowing my capabilities, I think.

As for now, the two main "goals" I have are 1) to defend my dissertation and 2) to find a job—but I also know that these two goals lead up to a larger, even more important goal and life plan that's waiting for me. There are other, related goals, of course—thinking about health and financial goals are always fun—which is why I think finding the throughline is so important for me. If I can see the big picture, then I won't crap out.

私が（ほぼ）毎日読むブログに、以前 TO DO リストの書き方に関する記事がありました。（あ、このブログ、真面目に言って、いつも読んでますよ。）ワタナベさんが書く様に、「優先順位」って重要だと思います。自分にとって、何が一番大切か。それは仕事だったり、家族だったり、自分の健康だったり。そしてその「人生の優先順位」が自分のゴールに反映されていれば、結構ゴールに辿り着くのは、早いかもしれません。だって、「自分との約束」だったら、破りたくないでしょ・・・

さぁ、皆さん。新しい門出です！これからの一、二、三年間が、どうかいい年月でありますように！

日本での発見 / Discoveries in Japan #44: イドリス・エルバ / Idris Elba

"One: Don't you ever touch me again. Two: Don't you ever touch me again." (Understood, sir...)

I realize that Idris Elba was in his early 30s when his character "Stringer" Bell was shot dead by Omar and Brother Mouzone in The Wire—but I admit, I did not recognize him until halfway through Pacific Rim. A man can change in nearly a decade, I suppose.

I thoroughly enjoyed watching Guillermo del Toro's Kaijū vs. Jaeger movie, but man—if I wanted to sit here (culturally) analyzing a filmic representation of an Orientalist love story where evil is conquered by nuclear power while racialized bodies are also conveniently eliminated, I need look no further. But hey, who am I to complain about 2+ hours worth of jolly good entertainment? (Plus the father-son farewell scene made me cry.) I also found the film to be visually spectacular (in all senses of the word)—if anyone can make a kaijū look both piss-in-your-pants chilling and breathtakingly beautiful, it's del Toro. (The Pale Man from Pan's Labyrinth remains one of my favorite movie monsters.) Besides, watching Pacific Rim indirectly reminded me that I need to go and watch more episodes of Treme—since it's been generally acknowledged that David Simon is a genius. Hamsterdam...ha.

日本での発見 / Discoveries in Japan #43: 癒し / Relaxation

先週の発表が終わって以来、ここ数日間「癒し」がテーマになっております。特に昨日は、朝からマッサージに行ったり、美容院に行ったり、歯医者さんに行ったり・・・と、待てよ、歯医者さんって癒しの空間だったっけ・・・？

何しろ久々に友達に会ったり、人に肩叩いてもらったり、本読みながら「台湾ジャンボ唐揚げ」食べたり・・・気分はサイコーッ！って感じな筈なのに、実際心の中はモヤモヤだらけ。何故だろう。

訊かなくても分かってる。心配しても何も始まらないと頭では分かっていても、心配しない訳がない。この間々日本を離れていいのだろうか。（無事荷物はまとまるのだろうか！）やるべき研究はしたのだろうか。ちゃんとした論文が書けるのだろうか。仕事は見つかるのだろうか。考え出したら切りがない。

分かってる、分かってるって。なる様にしかならない、って。でもどんな楽天家でも、偶には不安やモヤモヤで心が一杯になるのさ！それくらいの事があったって、いいじゃない。無理しなくたって、いいじゃない。

と言う訳で、心をコントロールできない時は、できるだけ体をコントロールしましょう。こんな時にするべき事の（個人的）トップ３とは！

1. いい物を体に入れる！水分とって、栄養ある物食べて！（唐揚げは特別です。）
2. 寝る！寝る子は育つ！おまけに、寝る子は太らない！
3. 体を適度に動かす！こんな暑い中運動しなくていいから・・・机でストレッチしよう！

Indeed...I may not be able to stop myself from feeling uneasy or stressing out, but at least there are some things I can control. Much of the fun in life comes from the unexpectedness of things, the wonders of chance and surprise. And for that, I'll happily maintain a semblance of a healthy, balanced lifestyle.

日本での発見 / Discoveries in Japan #42: アロマ / Aroma

本日は久々に会う友達とゆったりとしたランチを頂きました。八王子の「天正庵」にて、視覚も味覚も喜ぶ日替わりランチを前に、思わず二人共溜息・・・

サイトによると、天正庵は「日本茶インストラクターでソムリエ、シニアクラスバーテンダー、日本酒利き酒師、チーズコーディネーター、アロマテラピーアドバイザーでもある店主が経営している和カフェ」であるらしい。思わず、"Wh-, what?!" と言う感じになるが、ま〜納得できる理由で色々な道を歩いて来ているみたいだから、ある意味とても羨ましい。

暑い日のデザートは、勿論大人のかき氷！シロップは二人でバイオレットとバジルとの間で迷い、店主さんに両方嗅がせて頂きました。ん〜、バイオレットは甘くて懐かしい香り、バジルは思ったよりミントのノートが強かったな〜。最終的には、二人で一つずつ・・・美味しかった〜。

The other day I was reading a book about giving massages using massage oils and essential oils—and I realized that I'd been out of touch with aromatherapy during most of this year. I think that explains a lot of my recent bodily imbalances—no candle in my room for months, no diffuser to cast shadows on my wall...

I miss the uplifting scent of palmarosa, the romantic and slightly sexy scent of rosewood. I miss the kick of patchouli, a reminder of my friend who wears it in her hair. I even miss (over-commercialized) lavender, not the fake, artificial lavender in soaps sold in most stores, but the real, earthy, enveloping scent of lavender that both relaxes and enlivens. Ah, the wonders that different aromas can do for the mind and body...

Maybe for the next few weeks I can fill a little plate with baking soda and some geranium essential oil to get my system to think happy, bright thoughts—a different kind of warmth from this crazy summer heat.

日本での発見 / Discoveries in Japan #41: 発表 / Presentation

The bookstore attached to my train station has a weekly updated ranking for books divided by genre, and last week I wondered if any of them were available to borrow from my local library. I wanted to read『トヨタの片づけ』actually, but that was a no-go—checked out and too many people in front of me in the reservation line. The other books were also either checked out or not in the library—except for this one, about the magical ways to get over your fear of talking in front of people.

I don't necessarily have that problem, but since it was the only book available, I thought it couldn't hurt to read it on the train. (Plus I have presentation on Friday! Perfect timing!)

Much of the book discussed ways to get your brain to start processing (and then overcoming) your past traumas that made you dislike talking in front of people, and then to visualize yourself enjoying and succeeding at it instead. And while I may not necessarily lie there chanting "I am awesome, I am awesome" before I go to sleep at night (well, I may, but it won't be because I'm afraid of talking in front of people), there were three tips I took away from the book.

1. Visualize yourself in a positive manner—things about yourself that you dislike, think of their alternatives that you do like, and then visualize yourself as having those qualities instead. And your shortcomings? Try to spin as them as positives!
2. Express thanks in having the opportunity to present—and for having an audience to listen to you. Out loud, at the beginning.
3. Imagine your head and shoulders as being stuck to a hanger—and when you turn your body, turn the whole hanger, not just the hook (i.e., your head). You look more...calm. (And sexy. (And like you have a stiff back.))

Those are probably not things that the writer intended for me to take away, but that's OK, she's not here. And while these tips may not help me with Friday's presentation, I feel more positive just having read the book!

しかし、日本の本はやたらと余白が多い。本を一冊、森下へ行って帰ってくるまでの間に読み終わってしまった。まるで小学生時代のティーンズ・ハートみたいだ。これでは資源の無駄遣いではなかろうか・・・

日本での発見 / Discoveries in Japan #40: 調味料 / Condiments

I just received the second-to-last delivery from my co-op. And whaddya know—two packets of blueberries, lots of tomatoes, and a bag of okras (along with a rice flour roll cake)! I couldn't be more excited for my summer o' plenty.

Being in a "use up everything in the fridge" mode, I'm currently down to a minimum when it comes to condiments—though I suppose turmeric, mirin, and nam pla will definitely get me places. The thing about summer is that 1) I don't feel like cooking, and 2) produce is so delicious it doesn't need to be seasoned much. I suppose, as they say: "Hunger is the best sauce." Cheers to that.

日本での発見 / Discoveries in Japan #39: 節約 / Frugality

That's a lie, I've known ways to be frugal since before I understood the meaning of compound interest. And if it weren't for my frugality I wouldn't have gotten through my (mysteriously, simultaneously) extravagant lifestyle in San Francisco in my 20s.

But apparently the Japanese media likes to promote "frugality" as a virtue in ways that I never thought were possible. If I read one more magazine article telling me that I should pack my own bento box instead of buying lunch out at work, I am going to go on a convenience store shopping rampage to buy up all the rice balls on the shelves.

Recently, though, I've been thinking about my future and all the things I'd like to do in it—and how, in all practical seriousness, it's nice to be financially comfortable, not to have to worry about paying for (un)expected or (un)expecting life events. And I realize also that, with a specific goal in mind, saving up—or "being frugal"—can be a lot of fun.

But since I cannot keep a straight face while switching off the circuit breaker before I leave my house every morning, I figured I should consider some basic guiding principles in my attempt to save up for my future.

1. Keep a clear goal in mind, however distant—so that I can judge whether being "frugal" in a given situation makes sense in light of that goal.
2. Spend money when it makes sense to—in difficult situations or at amazing restaurants, for example. 
3. Never skimp on other people—because what goes around comes around (and it's always fun to see people happy, even if it involves some spending).
4. Think not about "what to give up", but more about "what to give"—because saving is about giving (and receiving), either to (from) myself or to (from) people I care about.
5. Remember that life is full of unexpected things, and that it also may be short (though such things are relative)—and that it's always more important to live in the present than to worry about the future.

Now, if you'll excuse me—I'm going to go relive the experience of that wonderful dinner we had last night at Ristorante HiRo for Japan Restaurant Week, which, however pricey, was worth every yen—and I'm also going to think of how to save up for our next such dinner, though it may well be a lovely gluten-free pasta and wine night at home...

日本での発見 / Discoveries in Japan #38: 芸能人 / Celebrities

Sometimes I think, maybe if I had a celebrity crush, my life would be more interesting. I'd have someone to stalk on the Internet, I could make little squealing sounds when someone got off the plane at the airport, etc., etc. ... But as the underwhelming unfolding of my opportunity to see Satoh Takeru in real life proved, I just can't seem to care much for celebrities. Especially in Japan.

Not counting that embarrassing period in my life when I really wanted to meet Taylor Hanson in person (::sigh::), I can't share in the excitement that people feel over actors, musicians, and other celebrities. Would I be stoked if I got to talk to Lisa Hannigan? Maybe Sam Beam? Throw in a little bit of Harrison Ford for good measure? 

I'm thinking "no". Especially after being in Japan for the last several months, I've become wary of the use (in multiple senses of the word) of celebrities, where people are commodified for their looks and little else. Satoh Takeru is certainly beautiful, but that standardization of "looks" among celebrities (male and female) and the creation of both desires and complexes among consumers disturbs me.

でも「芸能人」って言葉でいいのかな？なんか高級な感じがないな〜。やっぱ「セレブ」とか「有名人」とか？！

日本での発見 / Discoveries in Japan #37: 向田邦子 / Mukōda Kuniko

Mukōda Kuniko should actually not be a discovery in Japan, since she was on my qual exam list at some point until she got de-prioritized for reasons I can no longer remember. Regardless, she as a writer has always had a special place in my heart, since she wrote the screenplay for the TV show with the character after whom I was named, based on a novel by Genji Keita. (That...was a long sentence. Sorry.)

文庫本は電車の中で手軽に読めるからいいんだけど、向田邦子の本は必ずと言っていい程涙で顔がボロボロになるから、公共の場で読むにはちょいと恥ずかしい。今日も帰りの電車の中で目真っ赤にしながら『あ・うん』読んでたし・・・

Mukōda passed away far too young, but even still she in her works (whether essay, novel, or screenplay) pens incisive and sensitive portrayals of a wide range of characters—men and women, young and old. And there's such an honesty and clarity there, something that makes you recognize yourself in those characters, that you can't help but look to the pages for answers to things that you've been struggling with...

さて、『あ・うん』も終わったし、次は中里恒子を読む事にしよう。こっちも電車で読んだらヤバいのだろうか・・・

日本での発見 / Discoveries in Japan #36: 藤布 / Wisteria Fabric

昨日、綺麗な端切れに巡り会った。新宿の京王百貨店でやってる「若手工芸職人展」で、親切なお兄さんが「藤布」について色々と説明してくれた・・・が、結局藤布の帯は買えなくて、小ちゃな端切れで諦めたのだ。

藤布は、藤の蔓の皮から創るそうな。何しろ時間がかかる！と京都の「遊絲舎」ゆーお店の人は教えてくれた。

しかし。あのテのイベントは危険だ。五月の「全国工芸職人展」でも、目が離せなくて鼈甲を買ってしまった。今回は危うく珊瑚のピアスを買いそうになった。アブナイったらありゃしない。次回は財布は家に置いて行こう。

日本での発見 / Discoveries in Japan #35: 心 / Heart

今朝起きたら、何故か日本酒の瓶が空っぽになってた。何故だろう・・・不思議だ。全く身に覚えが無いのに・・・

Today I had coffee with a friend, the same one with whom I stomped around Ginza way back in November. It makes me laugh how so much has changed since we both arrived in Tokyo last fall—and how much hasn't, really. Turns out we both still need to write those pesky dissertations of ours...

今日は新宿に行って久々にポケットティッシュを貰っちゃった。嬉しーなー。なんか、女の子としてまた見られる程、髪の毛が伸びたみたい。頭ボーズにしてから、まるっきしあのテのお兄さん達に無視されてたからな・・・

Right now I have six bottles of wine sitting in the corner of my apartment. Although I've mysteriously finished off the bottle of the sake of my heart (disturbing), I suspect there will be quite a number of opportunities to cook some delicious meals with which to enjoy those wines...

発見 / discoveries: coconut milk and good friends

Well, neither one of those is actually a discovery, but you certainly appreciate them both more when you find yourself far from home—wherever "home" is.

I just returned from visiting Singapore, and I tell you—I have fallen in love with the sweets they kept giving us at tea breaks. I'm a gonna have to learn how to make them...all 318 variations.

Lately I've had the chance to talk with my friends about a recent post from UCHF. It's sad (though not surprising) that so many of us share similar experiences—but it helps to talk with each other about how we can change the situation, a little bit at a time.

日本での発見 / Discoveries in Japan #34: 八百屋さん / More fruits

Today I played the "What Can I Buy With the Change in My Wallet?" game—and lost.

The game is simple: You stand in front of the grocery store (any store, really, but the grocery store is fun because it's big and has a lot of variety) and decide if you want to play the game or not. If you do decide to play, you walk into the store, and then see how much change you have in your wallet. And then you find whatever you can buy with what you've got.

If you can't (or don't) buy anything, you lose. But just because you buy something, doesn't mean you win. There are different points awarded for what and how you buy. If you buy something you actually wanted, that's extra points. If you buy something delicious/healthy, extra points. Something local/organic, extra points. Something discounted/on sale that's originally somewhat pricey, extra points. Sounds like fun, right?

I don't mind losing today, because I'd already bought stuff on my way home from my shamisen lesson. Clementines and apples from Aomori! Plus some abura-age! All for super cheap at 八尾 Cook, a store that sells fresh produce (as well as other things that tend to be expensive at grocery stores because they get imported from far away) and prepared side dishes for generous prices. Now that's a real win.

日本での発見 / Discoveries in Japan #33: メロン / Cantaloupe

I was shocked to receive a cantaloupe in my co-op box this week. (I'm actually not sure if it's a cantaloupe or a honeydew, not that I know the difference—I assume that orange flesh is cantaloupe and green flesh is honeydew.)

I understand that cantaloupes in Japan are really expensive, especially the Yūbari melon. (In my summer gift catalog one Yūbari melon with a sugar level of over 12 degrees goes for ¥6,300, though it does get shipped in a wooden box.) So imagine my surprise when I got an "Andes melon" grown in Ibaraki Prefecture, one apparently considered a "medium" size (though it fits on the palm of my hand). I'm too scared to eat it because I'm afraid that it's supposed to be treasured to the utmost...

Today was a lovely day, with my friend giving me a beautiful bouquet to celebrate a fork in the road. Now, to wait for someone to come home so we can eat a melon...

呑ん兵衛さん / Wino

と、呑ん兵衛さんは私だ。今日はバイト先でワインを四杯も頂きました——白、赤、赤、デザート。写真は二杯目の赤、スペインのです。ワインと一緒には色々とおつまみも——枝豆の醤油とニンニク漬け、鶏の白レバームース、トリッパのパスタ、バジル風味のシェーブル、青カビのスティルトン・・・で家に帰って来てもいけしゃあしゃあとロゼを呑んでる私って、一体・・・

今夜はひとりぼっちだから、うんと夜更かししてやるんだ。本読んで、溜め込んでたネットの記事読んで、パイナップルのジャム食べて・・・そんで明日は朝っぱらから床屋さんに行くのだ。我ながら、無為な毎日である・・・

Since the time I was in high school, I've had the same new year's resolution year after year—to stop swearing (or, at least to swear noticeably less). Well my friends, this is the year to seriously put my shoulder to the wheel and stop my stupid system from spewing out swear words. In addition, I also need to learn how to cook, learn how to walk in heels without complaining, and learn that sometimes, when there is a fork in the road, there is nothing to do but to take it and eat some gluten-free pasta with it.

日本での発見 / Discoveries in Japan #32: 梅雨 / Season for Rain

Today feels like a perfect day, even though I know it's far from it. It's been raining since yesterday, with the Tokyo area finally entering full-fledged rainy season. Wetness and grayness all around—so unlike California.

でもそれでもなんだか気持が落ち着く。雨で街の香りが一層と強くなる。朝っぱらから論文と将来についてゴソゴソと頭を回転させながら、大好きなサウンドトラックを聴く。夜更かしした次の日のミルクティーは、柔らかくて美味しい。こんな日は、鮮やかで劇的な紫陽花よりも、大切なモノをかみしめながら、こじんまりとした花をちょっと飾るんでいいかもしれない。

日本での発見 / Discoveries in Japan #31: 鰍沢 / Kajikazawa

On Thursday I went out to Yamanashi Prefecture to check out some stuff about writer Mochizuki Yuriko (望月百合子、1900–2001). To be specific, I went to a place called Kajikazawa, where it looks like this outside the station.

And it looks this like along the river that I followed to get to the (tiny) resource center.


Hey, there are few things I like more than green mountains. But I admit, it was kind of a lonely trip going out to Kajikazawa, on a train line where IC cards (like Suica and Pasmo) aren't even accepted. And from the window of the train I could see relatively empty neighborhoods passing by, marked by hospitals and care centers for the elderly. The notion of an "aging society" (高齢化社会) is hard to comprehend when I'm in Tokyo, where babies run rampant—but take just a few steps outside the metropolis, and the issue becomes more salient.

日本での発見 / Discoveries in Japan #30: 献血 / Blood Drive

The first time I donated blood was in college. Since then I've periodically donated blood, since there always seems to be a blood drive happening somewhere near me. I like how blood is warm as it flows out of the human body. The pain is minimal if the needle is slid into the arm well. I guess I've become (very) mildly addicted to the feeling of it all.

最近血液型が O+ だと知った。赤血球の適合性はそんな悪くないかも。血も回復するし、髪もまた伸びる。内臓までは行かないけど、有り余ってるんだったら必要としてる人にあげちゃっていいじゃない。

"Let's get drunk and tell each other everything we're too afraid to say sober."

If you can't figure out that I have wine on my mind right now, then that's a point for me. (Of course, you'd only be able to do that if you followed me on both Facebook and Twitter, but.)

I'm on a mission to learn more about wine, which is a good excuse for me to drink a lot more (wine, of course). Except it's not as exciting a prospect when you come from a family in which everyone who's ever died has died from some liver-related problem. Not cool.

(Note to self: Never attempt to go up against an entire bottle of sparkling wine by yourself, because in the end, you're going to lose.)

The realization that I only have three months left in Japan with generous financial support has struck tonight, which means I really need to get cracking at reading all the books piled up on my desk. In the meantime I have two options for this opened bottle of sparkling wine: put some saran wrap on it and stick it in the fridge, or finish it all off tonight. Take a guess which option I'm going to take...

日本での発見 / Discoveries in Japan #29: 明日館 / Myōnichikan

Although I'm not a huge fan of the Arts and Crafts movement, I enjoyed visiting the Jiyū Gakuen Myōnichikan (自由学園明日館), the building of the school established by Hani Motoko and her husband Yoshikazu (羽仁もと子、吉一) in 1921. Founded upon their Christian beliefs, the school sought to educate young people in an environment that taught them to be free and individual thinkers, where socially-bound values such as educational background or social status didn't define the importance of each student in the community.

Designed by Frank Lloyd Wright and his student, Endō Arata (遠藤新), the building features beautiful woodwork and a lovely use of space. There is a sense of being grounded, with the building's straight lines and an emphasis on the nature of, and the contrasts among, the materials used. I usually find the style kind of cold, but in the daylight today, it felt both calming and welcoming...

でもなんか最近、頭も体も心もメッチャ疲れてる気がする。気をつけないと、オレこの間々バラバラになっちゃうかも。ここ数日間は雨が降ってても生暖かくて、この間々梅雨になるんだな〜ってノンキな事言ってるし······

自炊 / Live Below the Line

Cooking for oneself and living below the line are two separate things, but lately I've been thinking about food waste and budgeting, especially with the curious Live Below the Line challenge going on.

日本に来てから何度も人に「自炊してるんですか？」って訊かれる。「当たり前じゃん？」って思うけど、他の人は違うんだろうか。個人的食費の節約のポイントはまとめ買いとか、下準備とか、特売利用とか、献立を前もって考えるとかって書いてあるけど、食品や世界経済に関する事も考えていいんじゃないんだろうか。一人一人が何をどう食べるかによって、結構社会に色々な影響をもたらす様な気がする。

きみにまほうをかけました。/ I cast a spell on you.

「きみにまほうをかけました」の歌詞（かし、lyrics）は、そのたった一つ（たったひとつ、just one）のフレーズを何度も（なんども、many times）繰り返す（くりかえす、to repeat）。マジ？これが本当に（ほんとうに、seriously）歌詞なの？？

でも何度か聴いたら（きく、to listen carefully）その意味（いみ、meaning）が分かった（わかる、to understand）。本当は「きみ」に魔法（まほう、magic）をかけたんじゃないんだ。本当は自分（じぶん、self）に魔法をかけたんだ。

その気持（きもち、feeling）、分かる。例えば（たとえば、for example）、誰か（だれか、someone）の気持を変えたい（かえたい、want to change）と思う（おもう、to think）。でも他の人（ほかのひと、other people）の気持はコントロールできない。そんな時は、「その人に魔法をかけた」と自分を説得（せっとく、to persuade）するんだ。自分に魔法をかけるんだ。

[I had a recent discussion on Facebook whether to buy a song where most of its lyrics consisted of five words. Is a song in which the writer only put in so much effort as to come up with just five words worth 99¢? The song was by an artist called 転校生（てんこうせい、transfer student), and it was used as one of two theme songs (both by 転校生) for the film『暗闇から手をのばせ』。]

日本での発見 / Discoveries in Japan #28: 角田光代 / Kakuta Mitsuyo

I'm sure I'm not alone in wanting to read the original book before watching the movie based on it. My discovery of Kakuta Mitsuyo (角田光代) originated from that reason, though sadly my efforts came to naught...

Kakuta Mitsuyo is a writer whose humorous and frank style I appreciate. Her novels『対岸の彼女』(2004, Woman on the Other Shore) and『八日目の蝉』(2007, The Eight Day) have been translated into English, and she also has a piece in the collection titled March Was Made of Yarn (2012).

I'd meant to read『空中庭園』(2002, Hanging Garden) before I watched the film, but I missed the library copy—so instead I read her essay collection『愛してるなんていうわけないだろ』(1996, There's No Way I'd Say I Love You) to prep myself, and after watching the movie I read her collection of novellas titled『まどろむ夜のUFO』(1996, The UFO on the Night of Restless Slumbers). Reading her works I realized how much I enjoy reading fiction and non-fiction by a writer, seeing elements from her life emerge in the world she creates (though it feels voyeuristic when it's a lonely world)...

東京レインボープライド２０１３ / Tokyo Rainbow Pride 2013

It took me seven months to visit Yoyogi Park, but I finally did—which means I got to check out the Tokyo Rainbow Pride 2013 events on Sunday, April 28. I admit, I missed the actual parade—but I did get to see a whole lot of people checking out the booths and also see some of the performances, including the one by Harp and Soul (pictured).

The events seemed to attract an unusually high number of non-Japanese people, though I guess it's hard to measure that accurately. (That, I suppose, is the reality of "standing out" in a foreign country—you're just more noticeable than the others.) There were also an impressive number of booths at the event, including those from Change.org, Department H, Google, Greenpeace Japan, TENGA, and the embassies of Brazil, France, Germany, and Sweden, among others. The collection did seem somewhat haphazard, but when we're acting for a common cause, who really cares?

What did strike me was the reality that the movement to raise awareness about LGBTQ issues is very much an import from the West, as so much of the organizing force behind the event seemed to take its cue from similar events seen in cities like San Francisco. That's not a bad thing, of course—anything to get people to talk about these issues helps. In that sense, it'll be exciting to see how Tokyo Rainbow Pride develops in the coming years.

日本での発見 / Discoveries in Japan #27: 着物 / Kimono

It has taken a trip across the ocean, away from a house full of kimonos, for me to become interested in them.

A kimono is literally a thing to be worn—and once upon a time people wore it on a daily basis. Modernization and westernization changed much of that practice, but the art and craft of making—wearing, enjoying—kimonos lives on. The details and intricacies of the designs, weaved and dyed in the same way for hundreds of years, the richness of the textiles, the attention paid to the seasons, the startling combinations of colors, the layers, the layers...

Except now there are too many layers, and so few people have any reason to learn how to wear them. It's like a 한복 (hanbok)—people only wear them on special occasions. A kimono—kimono, 着物—so stately, so weigty—it's like driving a car, an unwritten rule that says the "right" way to learn is from your dad. That's how I feel about wearing a kimono: I wished my mother were here so that I could learn from her. But calling California is free, and friends save me from expensive kitsuke lessons.

でも、やっぱり呉服屋の敷居は高すぎる気がする・・・

日本での発見 / Discoveries in Japan #26: 仙台 / Sendai

My restlessness, I realized, is the result of me not having written anything for over a week—but my trip this past weekend to Sendai is a good enough reason why not, I think.

This was my first trip to the Sister City of (what is now) my hometown—and two years after the quake, it was as good a time as any. Plus the trip changed my life, so there are many good things to go around.

今考えると、ちょっと信じられない旅だった。仏舎利塔やら秘宝館やら、イナゴの佃煮やら牛タンやら。蛇藤も見たし、道の駅にも行った。仕舞には（勿論）良い人達に囲まれてちょっとばっかし飲み過ぎて······仙台を出る日には、もう東京では見られない桜を見ながら、ちょっちばっかし将来について考えたりもした。

お〜し、今日頭を整理整頓したら、次は読書感想文フェスタだぜ！

MR. LONELILY

今日は髪洗いながらずっと玉置浩二の「MR. LONELY」を歌ってた。風呂から上がってもやっぱり聴きたくて、ダウンロードして聴いてたら今度は無性に Damien Rice の "Lonelily" が聴きたくなった。一体なんなんや······

昨日はよく訳が分からないまま夜が過ぎて行った。メール書いたり、ノート整理したり、音楽聴いたり······

Last night I understood that living with just enough is enough. Maybe "just enough" includes a trip to Korea or the Netherlands to hear Damien Rice live...

欲しがりません / I Shall Not Want

I was drawn to Tanabe Seiko's (田辺聖子) memoir for its title—『欲しがりません勝つまでは』。I've been fascinated by that phrase ever since I first heard it several years ago, from a friend that I worked with at our gift shop in San Francisco. (At the time I didn't hear him right, and I thought he said「星がありません勝つまでは」。And I'd thought, man, Japanese people must have had it rough if they didn't even have stars until the end of the war. (OK, I'm stupid.))

Tanabe's memoir points to the "thing" about an ideology to sacrifice wants for the sake of a war being fought in the name of an emperor, a living god: no matter how much you believe in that ideology, you're still hungry at the end of the day. Now that is rough...

日本での発見 / Discoveries in Japan #25: 桜/ Cherry Blossoms

一昨日は誕生日でした。夕方は雨も止んで、桜の花を見る事ができました。これからの一年、愛する人達を大切にできる大人になれる様、がんばります。そして、未来に希望を抱きながら、目の前の「今」を生きたいです。

日本での発見 / Discoveries in Japan #24: 不味いモン/ Bad Food

I distinctly remember talking about bad wine before, but I don't remember talking about bad food, ever. That's because I don't talk bad about food (often).

No, really. I may turn my head or make funny faces. I may even make an occasional comment or two. ("Hmm, this is interesting.") But rarely do I outright complain about food. (Except for that one time I had that really bad coconut tart at that one Chinese place in Yokohama and I was like WTF.)

And lord knows, since I don't get to eat gluten often, I save my gluten card for special occasions. And I thought that (starting) today was a special occasion.

Why? Because my Yahoo! Horoscope told me that my lucky food today was a 惣菜パン。

And just what is a 惣菜パン (sōzai pan), you may ask? Well, I had no idea myself, so I had to look it up online. (Thank you, Google Images!) Apparently it's bread with a sōzai inside of it. (Ha! Genius. Why did I not think of this before?) In contrast to the 菓子パン (kashi pan), it's...savory. And it's nuts.

My boyfriend said he doesn't understand why so many people think Japanese bread is good. I tried to explain that it was because Japanese people put crazy stuff on their bread and then still call it "bread". Cheese, mayonnaise, corn, shrimp, bacon, parsley, noodles, croquettes. Some of those aren't crazy, but most of them are.

(But this is what I love about Japanese food—it just cannibalizes other countries' foods and then forgets that the stuff they gobbled up ever belonged to other people. It's quite akin to the politics here, really. (See Solt 2009 for ramen example. And also any pizza joint selling you tuna corn eggplant pizza. I love it. (Not in the "I love it so I'm gonna eat it" sense but the "I love it because it's hilarious" sense.)))

Anyway, so. Horoscope. Yeah, so earlier I had finally submitted the paper I was supposed to submit way back on Saturday, so all of a sudden I had the mental luxury to go take a walk—which means I walked through Le Repas and then checked out the bakery inside of Ito Yokado and then finally settled on whatever they were selling in the bread section of the Ito Yokado grocery store.

And for 88 yen, how could I not get their croquette roll? That's like...sōzai pan at its best. (And it was...OK.)

But no, what was so awfully bad today was the other bread I bought—the adorable custard and whip dorayaki called「うさぎのほっぺ」。What?! That is too cute and the idea of it was just too good to pass up. And for 95 yen, I could arguably try it by claiming it was a medical experiment.

My religion states that any food eaten while walking tastes better. So I had this said "rabbit cheek" dorayaki while walking back home. But, but...

Wow. I think this is the last time I am ever eating anything from Pasco (the company that made this impossibility of a pastry). It just...tasted like a mistake. Like a block of clay had hopped into a bag marked "edible" and since no one realized it, they packaged it and sent it to the nearest grocery store. It tasted half-baked and had a chalky texture that I, that I...

Well, look, at least I ate both of the dorayakis that were in the bag, even though by the time I'd gotten through half of the second one I honestly felt like I had done something that I just wasn't supposed to do. But at least if I were going to die, I was going to be able to die merely from a very sharp feeling of regret while standing in front of cherry trees. Now that is what I call 本望。

でも真面目言うて、どうしてこれが「うさぎのほっぺ」なん？！つーか、絶対うさぎが怒るよ、これ見たら。「ウチらのほっぺはこんな不味うございやせん」って感じで。せめて「ぞうのみみ」とかにしたら良かった。

みたらし団子

数日前のお昼はみたらし団子だった。つーか、何故昼食が団子？！と思うけど、何を隠そう、炭水化物が食べたかったのだ。朝っぱらから果物ばっかで、玄米を水に浸けてる時間も無かったし······それでみたらし団子と言う訳。

でも、「みたらし団子」でも、串団子じゃなかったし、茹でただけで焼かなかった。タレも美味しかったけど、もう少しとろみがあっても良かったかな。

次は豆乳とバナナの入った団子。楽しみ、楽しみ。

(とか言いながら、完全に食べ物の事考えてる。ヤバいなー、さっき朝飯食べたばっかなのに······）

magnolia wine

桜も綺麗だけど、木蓮も綺麗だ。

今日は（何となく）ゆっくりと起きて、春早々人生を味わった気がする。彼氏と一緒にブラブラと町を歩いて、桜を見ながら好きな事を話して、本屋で CD をまとめ買いして······〆はココナッツアイスだった。これこそ幸せ。

信用する友達に言われた：考えすぎるな—"Let it happen". 彼女も同じ事を言った、「奇跡」だって。心配性の私には有難い言葉だ。今が十分だよ。

兎に角、明日から数日間仕事三昧。嬉しーなー。それが終わったら日本中の資料館を渡り歩くのだ。行くぞぉ！

Weariness in the soul.

When cleaning with dangerous chemicals, avoid sticking your finger in your mouth just because there is something on it.

To avoid disappointment, check that the library is open before you go.

It makes sense for some, apparently, to have a section for women essays. Essays by women? Essays for women...?

It's not always what you eat, but often how you eat, that matters.

Good food with good people is one recipe for a good time.

日本での発見 / Discoveries in Japan #23: 物価 / The Price We Pay

Last night I had salad for dinner. It's OK, I'm not on a diet—I'd just been snacking all day, and by the time I had a break from reading it was well past 9 PM and I didn't feel like making dinner.

But, I had received some (bagged) greens from the co-op, and I hadn't had homemade dressing in a while—so I had some delicious greens topped with apple dressing and freshly grated pepper. Ah, love!

Yesterday was full of unusual occurrences, because I encountered a $70 bra at the store on my way home from lesson. How does one justify a $70 bra? It must do one of three things: 1) Make your boobs huge, 2) Make you super smart, or 3) Prevent breast cancer for the rest of your life. In that case, I'd say $70 is a steal.

あれから二年。/ Two years.

Being in Japan for the last six months, there haven't been many occasions where I've been reminded of the Tōhoku earthquake. There are the usual commercial efforts to support businesses and farmers from the Northeast region, to boost tourism, to send fighting spirits—but often in a large city like Tokyo, a lot of life just continues the way it always has. For better or for worse, we are quite capable of moving forward and rebuilding.

でもさすがに今日は二年前の自分を思い出す。あの頃の私は肉体的にも精神的にもボロボロで、どう前に進んでいいか分からなかった。毎日疲れ切って、それでもやらなきゃいけない事があって、「これでもか、これでもか！」って感じで毎日を過ごしてた。

それでも震災の後の募金活動を通して沢山の人達と知り合って、皆で協力し合って、距離はあったけど、できる限りの事をした。多分それがあったから、あの春を乗り越えられたんだと思う。

I could never explain to people why the Tōhoku earthquake affected me so much. I couldn't quite call Japan my home at that point, especially not the Northeast. The relatives I do have in Japan were well away from the areas hardest hit, so that couldn't have been a reason. In reality, the quake should have meant the same to me as any other disaster that occurred in any other part of the world.

But it somehow didn't. And combined with the silliness of qualifying exams and the frustration of people problems, spring of 2011 was one rough patch.

今は······日本に帰ってきて、新しい人達と巡り会って、世界中にいる友達と心を分かち合える。愛する人がいて、何かをしたいと言う気持ちがある。（何かはまだ知らんが。）でも、二年前の自分がいたからこそ、今こう前に向かって歩いて行けるんだと思う。

だからこそ、そう簡単には忘れたくない。「過去の出来事」として片付けたくない。「忘れる」事がどれだけ切なく、どれだけ危険な事か、私達は分かってる筈だから。

日本での発見 / Discoveries in Japan #22: 喫煙 / Smoking

Oh, I'm sorry. I don't mean that as in, "I discovered smoking as something for me to do." I mean that as in, "I discovered smoking as something for me to think about, because there are actually people smoking around me."

Sometimes the smell of cigarettes is enticing, gritty and sexy in a gratuitous way. Other times (like when I wake up in the morning and my stomach is empty) it makes me want to throw up. Smoking while eating and drinking seems akin to watching a movie with blindfolds—missing out on half the fun.

これからは飲食店では個室にしたい······

Love.

March is a good time to think about love, since the air is getting warmer and (as our dear Termanator once said) "There are Romans in the air" (although perhaps I misheard her saying, "There is romance in the air").

｢愛」と「恋」と「恋愛」って、どう違うんだろ？とふと思って辞書で引いたけど、よく分からん。｢愛」は誰かを慕う情、｢恋」も側にいない人への思い、｢恋愛」は······ "love" の訳語？何しろ、何となく切ない様な気がする。

But of course, love isn't just sad and wistful—the feeling of longing those words invoke emerges because we want to be close to someone who, for the impossibility of physics and biology, could never be close enough. As Hedwig says, we can only try to shove ourselves back together.

人を愛する事は、暖かくて、怖くて、寂しくて、素晴らしい事なんだと思う。時が人を変える様に、愛も人を変える（良い様にでも悪い様にでも）。知らなかった自分や、感じた事のなかった気持ちを発見できる。それと同時に、自分を曝け出して、傷ついたり、自分を見失うかもしれない。でも多分、一度知ってしまったら絶対に後戻りしたくないと思うのが、愛なんじゃないかな······

Pardon me for holding myself back.

LinkedIn recently suggested to me a Silicon Alley Insider (of Business Insider) article that discussed a book on gender and leadership by Facebook COO Sheryl Sandberg. It made me want to read the book, if I can manage to find it in the library—since I cannot stand to pay good money to read something that may potentially get my blood boiling (and thus kill me).

The article summarized one of Sandberg's main points, "that women are taught that they need to keep themselves out of power, and that they therefore limit their own ambitions and sabotage their own careers."

This is probably not untrue—that women are "taught" (and thus "learn") to keep themselves out of power. But that they "limit" their ambitions and "sabotage" their own careers may not be an accurate way to describe what's going on.

If I don't express an interest in being a CEO, maybe it's because being a CEO means (in addition to hard work) balancing work with "non-work," in a society in which the "non-work"—cooking, cleaning, taking a sick child to the doctor—is continuously undervalued and overlooked. Maybe it's because, regardless of the fact that my partner may be all for me working outside of the home, the society in which we live doesn't make that easy for us.

If I I don't say that I want to become president, maybe it's because I live in a country where the election of Barack Obama, who is as equally white as he is black, is celebrated as the historic election of the first black U.S. president. A country where we won't see a female president for years, and where we still see discomfort displayed at the thought of an openly homosexual president. (And where permanent residents can't run for president.)

If "[m]en attribute their success to innate qualities and skills" while "[w]omen attribute their success to luck and help from others," maybe it's because we live in a society in which merit and power (and its cousin, masculinity) are based on notions of independence and individuality, rather than on cooperation and community support (and its cousin, femininity).

If more men think that they are qualified to run for office than do women, maybe it's because we don't have a good measuring stick for what "being qualified" means, regardless of the gender of the people in office. (And yes, the fact that still only 18% of Congress is female is thought-provoking.)

Achieving a 50-50 split in gender among executive officers is not the way for us to say, "Hoorway, we've achieved equality!" That's not only false and essentialist, it's just plain silly—like saying a world in which everyone is 160 cm tall is a world in which equality reigns.

I think it would help, though, to rethink what success and leadership means. To make sure that "mothers" aren't pegged as being primarily responsible for childcare and housework. To consider how rethinking things like support for daycare and flexible work hours is just as important as rethinking minimum wage laws and immigration policies. And that simple solution that the article claims Sandberg suggests? I agree that "[s]haring financial and childcare responsibilities with a husband makes for less guilty moms, more involved dads, and 'thriving' children"—but can we also think of the couples working overtime to support their families, the single parents living with extended families, the same-sex couples trying to raise children in a heteronormative society? Can we not assume that everyone can afford to hire nannies and housekeepers while the husband and wife "share responsibilities" and go out and make lots of money, however well- and hard-earned?

Seriously, I need to stop reading these articles until the end of the week...otherwise I spend too much time holding my head in my hands and sighing endlessly, when I really should be doing other things.

[Pink! It should be my favorite color, since I'm a girl. Obviously.]

Breather: Live Music

今夜は久しぶりの下北沢（辺り）での友達のライブでした。BAR GARI GARI (which...can't seem to make up its mind about how it wants its name written out...all caps? two words or three?) は初めてだったけど、雰囲気が好きだったからまた行きたい。店内の照明が暗くて写真は厳しかったのは兎に角、ちょっと exposure/contrast/shadows を無理してみるとこんな感じ。（ピント合ってないのは照明のセイじゃないっす······）

There's something strange that happens when you've listened to music by a band so many times, that it takes a while to get accustomed when they do something different—it doesn't mean that what they're doing is bad or that what they used to do was better. It's just...it's like seeing an old friend that you haven't met up with in a while, and discovering that she's chopped off 35 cm of her hair. It's not good or bad, it's just...different. It's that kind of a feeling.

今日はなんとなくテレテレ仕事して、あっと言う間に夜になってしまいました。今週の発表に備えてちょっち読書三昧ですが、以前（怠けて）英語で読んだ本を原文の日本語／中国語で読むと、印象がガラッと変わります。（日本語の本は······つまらん。中国語の本は英文よりもっと悲しい。）

Still, I did manage to get some writing done for a chapter, which was a good feeling. Knowing that it's going to go through many revisions, I feel it's forgivable to write things that many not make immediate logical sense. (Or, er...it's not a matter of immediacy, but anyway.) Aside from that, I heard Spanish for the first time in weeks, which was a pleasure. Being in Japan the last six months has meant being surrounded by Asian people, which often makes me feel uncomfortable. It must be my Western, liberal, anti-crowd mentality...

話変わりますが、最近久しぶりに与謝野晶子にハマってます。いや、「ハマ」っていると言うより、読まなくちゃいけない「ハメ」になってると言った方が正確かも。与謝野晶子とか平塚らいてうは嫌いじゃないけど、どうも······好きになれない。でも、失礼ですよね、そんな事言うの！何しろ向こうは日本の女性作家の大代表なんだし。でも、やっぱり飲み込めない物は飲み込めない······

I suppose that's the difference between saying that something is good and saying that I like something. At the end of the day, I can't change how I feel about things that other people say are good—The Shining, Jefferson Airplane, The Call of the Wild. I just don't fucking like them. ::sigh:: That doesn't mean that others can't convince me of their stellar qualities, or that I can't leave alone people who do like them. I'd just like people not to give me a hard time about not sharing their sentiments.

おっし、まだ２時だし、もうちょっと仕事できるわ。明日は日曜日！安息日やから、本読んで、発表の資料作って、先生の為に『スワロウテイル』の Blu-ray Disc 探しに行って······あ〜ぁ、先生に送る前に開けて見ちゃったら、怒られるやろか。ずっと見たかった映画なんやけど、自分で見れない内に人の手に渡してしまうのは、勿体ない······